Empty House

By: Theresa C. Richardson

Will you smile at the treasures

or frown at the junk?

Will you be moved to tears

going through my trunk?

Will you sit in my chair

and have a last thought?

Will you look through my checks

to see what I bought?

You'll take down the pictures

that made me smile.

You'll gather my dishes

into a pile.

Drink a cup of my memory

and have a good cry.

Do what you need

in order to get by.

Put it to use or

sale what you must.

But don't let my things,

sit around and collect dust.

When you pack my books up

do it with care

for I have lots

of good memories there.

Dishes in my sink

and clothes in the dryer;

a half written poem...

My journal makes me a liar.

Walk to my window

and stand there for me.

Put yourself in my shoes

to see how I see.

Open my mail

and read all my letters.

Maybe, just maybe

you'll get to know me better.

Educating Bubba has been a struggle.  He and school don’t seem to mix well.  I always did very well in school and I have honestly struggled with how to help Bubba do better.  Sissy excels and is in the gifted program and Paddy seems to be doing well; but I have shed many tears over Bubba’s progress in school.

I guess really the struggle started before he ever entered school.  Sissy was the type of baby that met all the “milestones” early while Bubba always took his sweet time.  He was always happy and never gave us any trouble and he did always eventually meet the milestones so we weren’t really worried.   But then we noticed his speech and language skills did not seem to be progressing as well as Sissy’s had. In fact, verbally he was lacking in vocabulary and understandability.  Sissy could understand him a bit better than adults could and sometimes “interpreted” for us.  In a way this added to the problem because he learned to rely on her. 

We expressed our concerns to his pediatrician on several visits who would check his hearing (which was fine) and advise us to wait a bit longer suggesting his vocal skills would improve.  Somewhere between 3 and 4 years she did refer us for testing at the Vanderbilt Bill Wilkerson Speech and Language center. He did not have any problem understanding us or following directions.  His comprehension was fine, but he was diagnosed with a severe phonological disorder.  Insurance would not pay the $110 they wanted for a session of speech therapy so we searched around and found a cheaper speech therapy available at Easter Seals.  The drive was a long and traffic congested, but we started seeing improvements with the therapy.

By the time he started Kindergarten we could understand at least 75% of what he was saying, but his teacher said she could only understand about 50% of what he was saying.  This barrier caused problems in the classroom.  Not with his behavior, he has always been well behaved, but reading skills and phonics suffered terribly.

After his kindergarten year in private school, we transferred both him and Sissy to public school.  There were many reasons and one of the perks was the FREE speech therapy offered several times a week at his school.  However, the change from private to public was hard on him and once again his teacher had problems understanding him.  They new curriculum approached reading in a totally different way than either of us was accustomed.  As a result, his already struggling reading suffered even more.

We had a meeting towards the end of the year with the principal, his teacher, guidance counselor and speech therapist.  I think I cried all the way through the meeting.  It was tough, but we decided to hold Bubba back and give him a second go round at first grade. It was agreed that having a better grasp of the basic skills would benefit him in the long run. It is a decision I have second guessed many times since then.  His self esteem suffered greatly and he felt like a failure.  He missed his friends and for the second year in a row he had to make new ones.  He was ashamed every time someone asked what grade he was in and hung his head.  He is big and tall for his age so this made things awkward for him as well.

Despite the hold back, he still struggled with his second time through first grade.  He has been involved in a reading recovery program, tutoring and all sorts of tests; but still he has continued to struggle. Every year I sit and cry through meetings with the school staff.  Everyone is amazed at how bright, happy, and well behaved Bubba is, but no one seems to know why it won’t transfer to paper.  It was determined that a high amount of anxiety interferes with Bubba’s ability to perform well. 

He is unsure of himself and has low self confidence which they say causes him to get too tense and he seems to freeze up during tests.  His fear of failure is overwhelming. We have discovered when given ample time and no pressure he does much better in the classroom.   I have done everything I can think of to help Bubba.  I have stressed and worried myself to death. Will my boy be able to survive in this world? Am I doing everything I can to make sure he has the skills he needs?

Earlier this year Bubba finished his speech therapy.  You can no longer tell he ever had anything wrong with his speech! This has done wonders for his self confidence and he is no longer missing any class time to attend speech therapy.  I have still stressed over his reading skills.  It seems to haunt him in every subject; reading directions, reading word problems, reading science or social studies texts.

A few weeks ago, while doing my Bible study worksheet , I realized through a series of questions and scripture reading that I was holding on to Bubba.  I had not given him over to God.  Oh sure, I had said many a prayer for him.  I have prayed many years for his speech and schoolwork, but I still stressed and worried.  I worried what people thought. It was a source of bruised pride for me.  I tried everything I knew to try.  But it hit me that day that I needed to let go. 

I gave Bubba to God.  I came to the realization that he is not mine.  God will equip him with the skills he needs to serve God.  That is all that matters.  God will form him and mold him and make him into the man he needs to be.  I needed to move over and let God work.  I needed to let go of my expectations that Bubba be some kind of little scholar and trust that God would educate him as needed.  Please don’t misunderstand me – I will not be negligent in my duties as a Mother.  I will make sure he gets his homework done, read to him, have him read to me and have the extra flashcard practice, but it will not consume my life any longer.  I am casting this burden on God.

Later this same week, as we were getting ready to walk out the door for school, Bubba tossed a card on my lap.  It was a two paragraph tongue twister.  He said he needed to learn it for the school assembly that day.  What? Was God testing me or was this just His sense a humor?  Why would they give Bubba a tongue twister to recite? Of all things? We practiced the tongue twister during the short drive to school.  He had already been going over it, but had just neglected to tell me.  He did well, but he didn’t quite have it all memorized.  As he was getting out of the car, he said he was going to try to get someone else to do the second paragraph.

That afternoon three different teachers and one student approached me to let me know how well Bubba had done in the assembly.  He said it all perfectly, by memory and with emotion!  My boy! I know it was just a simple tongue twister, but God gave us victory! My son who had been in speech therapy and who could not be understood now impressed the school with his recitation of a tongue twister.

A few weeks later, I was once again stunned at a school awards ceremony when Bubba was one of the few to receive a certificate for scoring in the advanced categories in both Reading and Math on a computer practice program for the upcoming standardized state tests.  My mouth fell open and the other 3rd grade teacher (who had been his original 1st grade teacher) commented on my state of shock and the look of amazement that crossed my face when his name was called.  I had been sitting there praying silently for “proficient” in both categories and never expected “advanced”. 

Even after these recent accomplishments Bubba’s self esteem still suffers.  He brushes off compliments and asks me how he did so good? And was it really that good?  He doubts himself, but after what happened last night… I think we took a huge step in boosting his self confidence.

Bubba was honored along with many elementary students in a ceremony put on by the Middle Tennessee Reading Association at a larger school about 20 minutes away (By the way, this is where Oprah Winfrey went to high school).  It seems his teacher entered one of his stories in a writing contest and Bubba received a medal for his creative writing on the district level!

But even more amazing…these stories that won recognition on the district level were submitted to the State competition and Bubba won a bronze medal on the State level!!! 

We went out to eat after the ceremony to celebrate and I wanted Bubba to wear his medals into the restaurant to show off.  All the kids looked at me in amazement and said, “Mom! But Bubba’s story was about NOT bragging!” But honestly, I think he needs it.

On the way to pick Sissy up from her school, Bubba had me bursting with laughter as he told me about his day.  He informed me that in music class they had finally started using their recorders. (You know the little plastic clarinet like instrument things with holes in them you cover with your fingers).  Anyway, he declared to me loudly that they were awful.

Me: Awful?

Bubba: Yes, we sounded terrible.

Me: Well…it was just your first day.

Bubba: She yelled for us to stop (waving his hands frantically in imitation of his teacher).

Me: Well…y’all need to listen to her instructions.

Bubba: She had to take two mental breaks.

Me: (laughing) Mental breaks????

Bubba: We sounded like dying cows.

Me: (laughing)

Bubba:  I think part of it was me.

Me: You?

Bubba: I couldn’t play an ‘A’ minus.

Me: An ‘A’ minus?

Bubba: Yeah, or the note ‘B’ plus.

Me: (laughing hard)

Bubba: It sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

Me: (still laughing, but trying to think of something encouraging to say).

Bubba: Today, we should have just named our recorders.

Me: Named your recorders?

Bubba: Yes! (pointing from pretend person to pretend person) You’re Nails on Chalkboard. You’re Dying Cow and you’re Screeching Owl.

So if you had a rough day, just be thankful your not Bubba’s third grade music teacher.  I’m sure she will require some kind of medication for her head tonight.  But me? Well…laughter doeth good like medicine.

You know it must have been a boring, rainy day when watching the clothes wash kept the children entertained for almost the complete cycle.  I’m serious! Who would have thought??!!  I threw in some tennis shoes and a stuffed animal, the dog we are watching had been playing with, and left the lid open.  I “fooled” the machine by sticking a toothbrush in front of the sensor/lever and POOF  - the excitement began!

There were exclaims of “Wow!” and “This is an awesome machine!” followed by questions of, “What’s it doing now?”  I suppose it was a good lesson on how a washer works and how people washed clothes in the past, but I was a bit stunned when I realized we were all huddled around the washer for so long.  I did have to give a safety lecture on the possibility of mangled arms and not sticking them in the washer while it was going.

They made a game of watching the shoes and the stuffed animal fight for the top position in the suds.  Paddy was the most excited because his shoes were lighting up and they hadn’t done that in a LONG time!

(Maybe because I washed them in the washer?)

I am not sure how it started or even why, but when Paddy was around 3 to 4 he would say to me, “I like you and love you.”  At first I would laugh and of course, “eat it up” as any Mom would, I’m sure.  I tried to explain the difference to him, but I think that understanding only made him more determine to let me know he really did like and love me.  I started saying these words back to him. After awhile I think it finally dawned on me how nice it was to actually be liked by someone who loved me.  I think sometimes, as sad as it is maybe, we don’t always like our loved ones. Now that Paddy is 7 years old, I rarely hear “I like you and love you” anymore, but yesterday I was reminded of this phrase he said to me in years past. 

Yesterday, Paddy jumped in the truck after school very excited.  He pulled something out of his backpack and held it up for me to see.  It was a package of sponge dinosaurs in plastic capsules, the kind that dissolve in water and grow.  I knew he loved this kind of thing and had come very close to buying a package to put in his Easter basket, but for some reason didn’t.  Anyway, I was excited for him and wanted to know what he did to earn such a great prize. He explained that a girl in his class gave them to him.  Of course, I wanted to know all the details of why and what did she say.

It was just a simple, kind gesture from a very sweet girl and he has had other girls give him stuff before, but he blushed and said,

“I think she likes me.” 

“Why do you think that?”, I asked

“Well, while we were standing in line her best friend told me she did!” He said excitedly.

Paddy is charming with big blue eyes and a sweet smile.  He is nice to the girls in his class and it is no surprise that it had been rumored that several different girls like him.  Last year one girl even tried to kiss him, but missed his lips and ended up crying. (Bless her heart, she is a very sweet girl too.) But this girl is different.  Paddy was beaming with excitement declaring he liked her too.  I asked if he only liked her because she liked him and he insisted no.  I’m not sure how to handle this or what to do and say, if anything.  Even though Paddy is the youngest, this is a new situation for me.  Sissy and Bubba both still insist the opposite sex is gross. 

Paddy came home and immediately put his dinosaurs in water to watch them grow.  He carefully took them out and dried them.  They were his prize possession for the rest of the day.  He proudly told his sister and brother how this girl liked him.  He was beaming with excitement. His smile was spectacular.  Seeing his happiness over this simple word, “like”, made me want to call my husband.  Sometimes looking at my sons I see the man in them or maybe it is the little boy in my husband I see.  But I just wanted to call my husband.  I wanted to call him just to tell him I liked him. 

Regrettably, I got busy with my typical Monday night Bible study across town and never made the phone call.  This morning I told my Hubby the story of Paddy’s day and how it made me want to call him to just to tell him I liked him.  He pouted and said, “but you didn’t.”  I felt bad that I let myself get “too busy” to take the moment to call him. When he pouted I saw the little boy in him.  The little boy that just wants the girl he likes to like him too.

I took the time today.  I called him just to say, “I like you.” He laughed and said he liked me too!

I was really struck by Psalm 118 yesterday. Since it was Palm Sunday I re-read the passage in Luke that my Pastor had used in the service Sunday morning. I followed the cross reference from the words “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD” to Psalms 118. I read the whole Psalm in it's entirety with my mouth open. I had never realized how fitting the whole Psalm is to Jesus' triumphant entry into Jerusalem and the arrest, trial, crucifixion and resurrection that soon followed.

My Bible commentary says this Psalm is a prophecy of Jesus' 2^nd coming and entrance into the temple in heaven. That may be so because many prophecies have duel meanings. My study Bible says that it is a praise Psalm used to bring a sacrifice into the temple with at least three different singers or voices taking part – the priests, the people and the king. It suggests that maybe it was sung responsively.

I would dare say Psalms 118 is just as prophetic to this situation in Jerusalem as Psalms 22 is to the crucifixion. Thus, why it is pointed to by this crowd who if had kept silent...well, the rocks would have pointed us in this same direction. I'm still not sure exactly, but below are some of my thoughts about this Psalm that stuck me as I was reading it. My thoughts are in bold and I comment before the verses I am thinking about.

Psalm 118(NIV)

These first four verses cover Israel, the priests (who were responsible for the carrying out of the sacrifices) and the gentiles. I know the common people of Israel, the religious leaders, and the Gentile Romans all played important roles in the days leading up to and during the arrest, trail and crucifixion of Jesus. But it is because of this very death they helped carry out that we all can experience the grace found in God's enduring love.

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:
"His love endures forever."

3 Let the house of Aaron say:
"His love endures forever."

4 Let those who fear the LORD say:
"His love endures forever."

Surely these verses convey the thoughts and feelings of Jesus as he entered Jerusalem,soon to be the sacrifice for all people. The anguish he felt. He did indeed crush death and triumph over Satan in his crucifixion and resurrection.“Oh death where is thy sting?” The most freeing thing is to be surrendered to God's will.

5 In my anguish I cried to the LORD,
and he answered by setting me free.

6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?

7 The LORD is with me; he is my helper.
I will look in triumph on my enemies.

Judas is about to betray him. He can't trust in man. Peter will deny him and his disciples will scatter in fear. Kings and leaders of the people (princes) are about to sentence an innocent man to death.

8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in man.

9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD
than to trust in princes.

The Jews demand his death and the Romans consent and carry it out. His place of death is close to a busy crossroad and they wrote “King of the Jews” in three different languages.

10 All the nations surrounded me,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

11 They surrounded me on every side,
but in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

I can just picture the swarm and throng of the crowd. Pushing and shoving. I'm sure the burning pain of the crown of thorns being pushed into his head faded quickly in comparison to all the other horrible pain he was experiencing both emotional and physically.

12 They swarmed around me like bees,
but they died out as quickly as burning thorns;
in the name of the LORD I cut them off.

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,
but the LORD helped me.

God was indeed his strength as he became our salvation. Oh the joy and victory!  The reference to tents reminds me that because of this perfect sacrifice my present state is only temporary.

14 The LORD is my strength and my song;
he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory
resound in the tents of the righteous:
"The LORD's right hand has done mighty things!

He gave himself willingly without a fight or argument. He was mighty in the humblest of ways. He was lifted high – literally and figuratively.

16 The LORD's right hand is lifted high;
the LORD's right hand has done mighty things!"

He was resurrected and appeared to his disciples and over 400 others proclaiming life.

7 I will not die but live,
and will proclaim what the LORD has done.

Jesus took our punishment, our chastisement, our sin on Him and he rose from the dead so that we might have life. He is alive!

18 The LORD has chastened me severely,
but he has not given me over to death.

Jesus was received into heaven and sits at the right hand of God.

19 Open for me the gates of righteousness;

I will enter and give thanks to the LORD.

Jesus is the way. He is the gate through which we will obtain entrance into heaven. I am only righteous because I am covered by his blood. Jesus is my only hope. He is my salvation.

20 This is the gate of the LORD
through which the righteous may enter.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;
you have become my salvation.

Jesus was rejected of men, but became the rock of my salvation. What could be more marvelous! I will declare it so the stones don't have to.

22 The stone the builders rejected
has become the capstone;

23 the LORD has done this,
and it is marvelous in our eyes.

Resurrection day is the most wonderful day of the year. Let us gather in God's house and celebrate. Let us bless the name of Jesus more triumphantly than they did on Palm Sunday.

24 This is the day the LORD has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.

25 O LORD, save us;
O LORD, grant us success.

26 Blessed is he who comes in the name of the LORD.
From the house of the LORD we bless you.

Jesus is God the Son, the Christ, the Messiah, the prophecies fulfilled! He is the Light of the World. He was the final sacrifice on the alter and on Palm Sunday they ushered Him in with boughs in hand.

27 The LORD is God,
and he has made his light shine upon us.
With boughs in hand, join in the festal procession
up to the horns of the altar.

28 You are my God, and I will give you thanks;
you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.

This is indeed a praise song of a sacrifice being brought to the alter.  The triumphant entry of the final sacrifice... the perfect sacrifice....forever!

Today is one of those days I wished for a telephoto lens and/or better picture taking skills. There were over twenty wild turkeys on a hill near my house.  It was a beautiful sight!

But Spring is here and our garden is coming on so I can’t possibly pout too long about better, closer turkey pictures, can I?

Radishes, leaf lettuce and white onions are poking through and after the rain we’ve had all day they should really start growing now.

I got this list of questions from my cousin’s wife’s blog and thought I would borrow them to interview my children.  I asked each child to sit with me separately and privately so each child’s answer would be original.  We had a blast laughing and giggling.  Beware, some answers are brutally honest. Enjoy!

Sissy – age 11

1. What is something mom always says to you? “Go get your shoes and socks on.”  and  “When you’re done eating you have to do some chores.”

2. What makes mom happy? Peace and quiet

3. What makes mom sad?  When someone dies, of course

4. How does your mom make you laugh? By saying something that does not make sense, like, “go get in bread.”

5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? Read

6. How old is your mom? 33

7. How tall is your mom? 6 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? I don’t know… spend time with her family… I’m just guessing.

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? Watches TV shows that I can’t watch and sleeps in (with a finger pointing at me)

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for? Probably for writing a book

11. What is your mom really good at?  Math

12. What is your mom not very good at?  Science

13. What does your mom do for her job? She loves her children

14. What is your mom’s favorite food? Fried chicken and eggs – I know that for sure!

15. What makes you proud of your mom? She loves God so much and that she trusts God.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? D. W. (from Arthur)because she gets words mixed up and because sometimes she has no clue what she is talking about. Because sometimes you are just ‘out there’ when you didn’t eat breakfast.

17. What do you and your mom do together? I don’t know…Talk about the day and laugh.

18. How are you and your mom the same? We both like read, we both have brown hair and our last name is both Richardson.

19. How are you and your mom different?  She is an adult and taller than me. There are lots of ways, but I can’t think of something to put in words.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  Because she takes care of me and teaches me about God.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? That he is a Christian.

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?  The bathroom… (lots of laughter) no… don’t put that.  Shopping ,but it is boring.  Really the shower.

Bubba – Age 9

1. What is something mom always says to you? Something about not listening…  You say, ’I love you’, when you drop me off at school.

2. What makes mom happy? When I clean my room without you asking.

3. What makes mom sad?  I don’t like this one… I want you to always be happy.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? By making jokes and stuff.

5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? Drink milk

6. How old is your mom? I don’t know…let me guess…2 days old (Ha Ha) um…. 32

7. How tall is your mom? 6 feet something or maybe 7 feet

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Read and play on the computer

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around?  Yucky stuff with my Dad

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  Her great cooking

11. What is your mom really good at?  Settling arguments and reading stories

12. What is your mom not very good at?  Admitting she was wrong

13. What does your mom do for her job? stay at home Mom

14. What is your mom’s favorite food? I think I know… um… avocado

15. What makes you proud of your mom? Her great reputation at school

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Tom… you know like Tom and Jerry… Tom the cat

17. What do you and your mom do together?  Play Chess

18. How are you and your mom the same? We both have hazel eyes and that’s all, I think… she has big feet and I sadly have big feet too.

19. How are you and your mom different?  Um… she is older than me and knows a lot more and she’s a girl.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  She kisses me and hugs me.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He has a cute butt (Bubba turned red at this point and rolled on the floor laughing)

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?  Steak and Shake

Paddy – Age 7

1. What is something mom always says to you? Blow your nose

2. What makes mom happy? Flowers

3. What makes mom sad?  I don’t know…you're always happy…um…I don’t know.

4. How does your mom make you laugh? Trying to make funny jokes up

5. What did your mom like to do when she was a child? Ride your bike

6. How old is your mom? 32

7. How tall is your mom? 6 foot

8. What is her favorite thing to do? Clean? … Do you like to clean? … Cook!

9. What does your mom do when you’re not around? Clean

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?  Cleaning? Celebrity show…. what is that??

11. What is your mom really good at?  Being nice

12. What is your mom not very good at?  Telling jokes

13. What does your mom do for her job? Being a stay at home mom

14. What is your mom’s favorite food? Avocado and pizza

15. What makes you proud of your mom? Lots of things… how she cares for us.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be? Francine (From Arthur)

17. What do you and your mom do together?  Talk, Talk, Talk

18. How are you and your mom the same? Hair - our wonderful hair!

19. How are you and your mom different? She’s a girl and I am a boy

20. How do you know your mom loves you?  How she cares for us – that’s how I know lady.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad? He’s beautiful! (said with a batting eye lashes and a cute sing song voice)

22. Where is your mom’s favorite place to go?  Burger King

Both boys recently brought home a paper from school that said since they both had at least one ‘A’ on their last report card they were entitled to two Nashville Predators tickets each. The Nashville Predators are our local professional hockey team.  We were all very excited about the tickets which the school said they would be sending home soon. 

Since Sissy has moved on from their elementary school to middle school, she was the only one left without a ticket.  We figured that we would be sitting in the general admission section, way up high, and we could just buy Sissy a ticket so the whole family could enjoy the night together.  However, one of the teachers let me know the next day that she would send home a ticket for Sissy too. Wasn’t that sweet?

Imagine my surprise when the boys brought home five $70.00 tickets! Our seats were eleven rows from the ice!

We had a great family night out together and of course ran into several other people from school who were all scattered around in equally good seats.

Paddy got sleepy and bored toward the end and is a bit young to really keep up with the game, but Sissy and Bubba enjoyed it.  The Preds lost, but that didn’t damper our spirits a bit!

Beacon

By: Theresa Richardson

Twinkling lights

up on the hill

I see you

when I stand still.

Empty blackness

surrounds

yet you gleam

on higher ground.

I know

you are there

shining

in the night air.

The darkness

is broken

by your small

beaming token.

Through the trees

you peek

it is your comfort

I seek.

To know

you are home

I don't feel so

alone.

I have never been to an AA meeting and I don’t know all of 12 steps, but sometimes I feel like a recovering addict trying to break free from my addiction.  I can’t always put my finger on it, but it is probably best summed up in The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen.  I have not read that book in 10 years and can’t remember a thing it says now, but it was a turning point in my life at the time to even realize there was a thing as Spiritual Abuse. 

I was raised in a very conservative and legalistic church.  I went to the Christian school associated with the church so even though my family wasn’t  as conservative as the church and school it was still my life at least 6 days a week, I still had to live it – pretend it.  I hate to think about it and it is hard to explain especially to someone that has not lived it.  If you didn’t grow up in a legalistic church where what you wore was more important than who you were or the wrath of God overshadowed the love of God then you probably won’t comprehend where I am coming from.

My sister in law and I have long conversations about these places – the churches, the schools, the colleges, the camps, the lifestyle. How it trickled into our families and how to stop the cycle. She can relate. Every now and then I run into someone else who can relate.  Not someone that is still living under the heavy yoke of legalism, but someone like me who is trying to break free or who has broken free.  I feel that during these conversations we tell our stories as if we were in some kind of recovering addicts meeting.  It is if we came through the battle and lived to tell.  We endured all the wrath and condemnation, but pulled through to bear witness to a real, genuine, loving relationship with Christ.

At one point in my life I had to step back and re-evaluate everything I had learned about Christianity, because if it was truly what I had grown up seeing at church then I wanted no part of it.  I can remember in 10th grade my pastor/Bible class teacher telling the class that hopefully one day we all would grow up and mature and we would learn that the closer we got to God the less freedom we would have.  That none of us could possibly be close to God because we still thought it was alright to do certain things. (e.g. women wearing pants).  I wanted to be close to God, but he was making it sound like a mature Christian would be locked in chains.  Praise God that I eventually found the freedom there is in Christ. 

Matthew 11:29-30 (N I V)

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I do still struggle.  I find myself being judgmental towards myself and other people over things that don’t matter.   I find myself feeling guilty ,worthless, and wallowing in my past sins.  I have to remind myself constantly that I am forgiven and loved and there is nothing that I can do to make myself worthy.  I can not earn grace. I heard this song by Tenth Avenue North a few weeks back and cried.  I ran and I searched, but His hands were holding me the whole time and now I know His real, true, never ending love for me.

I still cry when I hear it, but as the tears flow, I smile and feel refreshed.

Song: By Your Side

Artist: Tenth Avenue North

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

“Hi my name is Theresa and I am a recovering legalist.”

I was just telling my Hubby the other day how much I enjoyed watching the kids on the trampoline we bought them for Christmas.  It was not even spring weather yet and I already felt like we got our money's worth.

Well... we had some strong winds here last night...

This is Mom and me. I wish I had put some makeup on and fixed my hair. LOL!

        

I was reading Psalms 145 one morning last week when a simple thought struck me that I am still mulling over. Anyone who has read my Blog for awhile knows that Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible. (In case you missed that post, check it out)

As I read these verses written by David, I thought; “How does he know? How does David know this stuff about God?'' After all, he and the other writers of the Psalms had very little Scripture compared to what I have.

I read the Scriptures desiring to know my God, and I read desiring to have a fuller relationship with my Savior. I have available to me the words of Jesus (in red, no less), I have the words of the men who walked and talked with Him. I have all the history and prophets of the Old Testament, but what did David have? The law? The Pentateuch? David had an awesome grasp of God and his attributes just based on those. Wow!

I do believe that the Psalms David wrote were divinely inspired. He was indeed a prophet and great instrument of God, but all that came later. He began his relationship with God, by learning the law (of all things). Not exactly one of my favorite portions to read and mediate on. Am I the only one who has skimmed quickly through Leviticus?

Then it occurred to me where I had just seen those words. I knew how David knew what he wrote in Psalms 145! I remembered from my ladies Bible study a few weeks before. We are studying the life of Moses and I had just read almost those very words. When God put Moses in the cleft of the rock and God passed by, he proclaimed those very words. That's how David knew!

Exodus 34:5-8(NIV)

Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Moses bowed to the ground at once and worshiped.

As I studied this passage of Scripture, I will never forget Paddy's excitement. Quite frankly, I was trying to hurry through Paddy's Bible worksheet so I could move on to all the other things I needed to do. I read these verses in Exodus very quickly without feeling or emotion so Paddy could answer his children's study sheet that corresponds with the women's study. I just wanted to get it over with that particular day.

But Paddy in his innocence and excitement made me ashamed of my behavior. “Wait Mama!” he exclaimed, stopping me in mid-sentence; ”You mean Moses got to see God!” I tried to explain that Moses only saw the back of God's glory as he quickly passed by, but Paddy's excitement was not thwarted in the least. He was jumping off the couch exclaiming, “WOW!” Paddy was in utter awe. Paddy has talked of this Bible story several times since that day; he is still excited about it weeks later.

I bet David was a lot like Paddy... gleaning in excitement all the details he possibly could of God and His attributes. Filled with awe at when he read what I consider to be a small portion of the Scriptures now available to me. Next time I am tempted to hurry through the Levitical law, I hope I remember how precious it really is. It was all David needed to begin his awesome relationship with God.

Psalm 119:18 (KJV)
Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of thy law.

Psalm 119:77 (KJV)

Let thy tender mercies come unto me, that I may live: for thy law is my delight.

Now my thoughts have flashed forward to the New Testament in John 8 where Jesus told the unbelieving Jews in verse 19 and again in verse 54 that they really don't know God, if they knew God then they would know Jesus. No wonder David said in Psalms 145:2 that he would praise God's name forever and ever, because he truly knew God and in the security of that personal relationship, David knew he had everlasting life.